Letters of onelosthousemate

Walkers... one word from what they truly are.

2006-10-15T17:45:00.000+01:00

Didn't go for my midget bag of crisps idea, but who did, Pringles, a week after I received this letter.

Time for some almighty replies...

2006-10-15T17:42:00.000+01:00

Some of you may remember my lovely letter to Lilets, with ideas for new ladies, products, well not only did they reply to me, but they sent me some free mens products as well which went into the winners basket... read on

Talking of poo...

2006-09-21T22:29:00.000+01:00

This guy at the Birmingham academy helped me out no end!

2006-09-21T22:24:00.000+01:00

Are you in the majority that think that Lemsip work? Well i'm not, all it does it make my poo turn a different colour. Now would you buy something that turned your poo a different colour but nothing else. Didn't think so, too much of a private joke really isn't it.

Also note how lemsip kindly point out that its for oral use, like your gonna smear your bottom in it, or rub it in your eyes.

Cheers LEMSIP. For absolutely nothing.

Aren't Condoms Brilliant...

2006-09-21T22:18:00.000+01:00

Simple answer, no. The field of condom making is relatively unexplored, no matter how many times you find out you can get curry flavour. After a quick brainstorming session, it was time to write to durex and earn some kudos

Adrenalin Promotions gets two tickets to the gun show

2006-09-19T19:46:00.000+01:00

Adrenalin promotions, as you may or may not know is a company that houses such people as strippers, cross dressers and poor tribute acts, as detailed in their catalogue which you could probably get your filthy mits on if you went here http://www.adrenalinpromotions.co.uk/

Anyway. Here is the photo I sent them, and 'application' for some work.

(blooming image uploader isn't working again!)

onelosthousemate gets published. Well kind of

2006-09-04T19:55:00.000+01:00

Fine, it may only be the Tynemill Times, but they were the first to recognise the many talents of a mythical "John Kirby" real name "onelosthousemate"

I cannot remember if I have posted photos of the afforementioned, but a few photos in the next post shall act as a reminder.

Yorkie Peters... well not quite.

2006-09-04T19:46:00.000+01:00

I've just remembered Yorkie Peters. He was great. Last year I saw him playing Star Wars on his Yamaha on Broadstairs seafront.

Something as good as Mr Peters, if not better is Yorkie bars. They have the steve on their logo, as I found out on my way to a Margate game in Braintree.

It was time to write them a letter, and state my good intentions.

Note: Yorkie have still never got back to me.

Building Bridges With The Cool Kids of Leicester

2006-08-30T20:50:00.000+01:00

For those not in the know, DOT is a Leicester Art group, all about getting the cool kids to do cool arty things in the East Midlands. What cooler than onelosthousemate? It was time to send a letter and spread the word

Scrounging Git.

2006-08-30T19:20:00.000+01:00

This Letter probably isn't my finest moment, but if I could have got £5 off Mohammed Al-Fayed, then that would have been an awesome prize. Proves what a tight git he is.

Clive Roberts has the last word.

2006-04-27T11:44:00.000+01:00

There will be no 100% Nice sign for the people of Dulverton Road. Clive tells me that any such sign put up without permission will just be taken down. He proves this because I told him the there was a sign put up outside my home without permission (albeit a sign about missing house keys) and the next day it was gone

I was gutted that I couldn't have a sign, but fair play to Clive for keeping his word. I don't think that man ever found his lost keys.

Never Brush your teeth again in protest.. Is the call from onelosthousemate

2006-04-27T11:40:00.000+01:00

After this letter of reply from them regarding my ideas for Cider flavoured toothpaste and shark shaped brushes for adults. oh and brown paste.

They say, they've received ideas like that before from other customers...

I do not believe them, and if it is true, how come there not on the shelves of Asda.

Richard Peel

2006-04-27T11:03:00.000+01:00

Has a new exhibition on at Trinity house, as part of slideshow, and here at last, is the letter that I wrote to him.

A Plea...

2006-04-27T10:49:00.000+01:00

Go to ebay...type in "onelosthousemate" or item number 7408956832 and you will see you can join the project by buying a postcard.

Here for you lazyitis people is the description.

onelosthousemate is offering you the buyer the rare oppotunity to liberate a postcard, and fulfil its destiny.
This postcard was especially chosen from the charity shop collection, and if you the lucky bidder should win this postcard then not only will you own an original onelosthousemate scripture, but as stated you will of fulfiled an old postcards destiny.

Content of writing can be requested, as could an address...but it should be noted that on the event of you winning the postcard you have made a gentlemens agreement to liberate another postcard. One which you must venture to find, struggle with the authorities to liberate, and then finally party the night away as you send someone the card and fulfilling its destiny.

Upon winning the postcard you will also become part of a special art project blog, and will be notified of its whereabouts.Happy Bidding,onelosthousemate.

PS. There are 27 different postcards, photo is just an example, I even have one of a strange cat with no tail.i wanted to make each card 20p but ebay won't let me... if this makes you angry, i'll quite happily make you happy sometime further in the future, via the gift of something random and unexpected.

Now all i have to do is spread the word

Hello there...

2006-04-25T13:11:00.000+01:00

Sorry, not an update, just a test because my blogger is playing up, bit worried I might lose everything actually, anyhow, hope anyone reading this can just leave a comment telling me they can see this

Have a nice day, do something arty

onelosthousemate

Technical and effort difficulties.

2006-03-11T11:07:00.000Z

Letterofonelosthousemate is currently suffering a few mishaps due to the fact i'm working too much and can't get near a photocopier for toffee.

Hello everyone

onelosthousemate.

Richard Peel

2006-02-26T19:20:00.000Z

For anyone who doesn't know who Richard Peel is, and by crikey you should... please go now to www.richardpeel.com

Richard Peel, when I sent him a letter was the man who had created Intense Sticker Warriors, which I had bought from the City Gallery in Leicester.

On His website it states....

I collect:
- Photocopied Comics
- Interesting Stickers
- Passport Photos

If you send me these I can send you:
- Photocopied Comics
- Interesting Stickers
- A Passport Photo
(probably of me,
and just one, so it isn't weird)

Send your swapsies to:

Richard Peel,
PO Box 7129,
LE2 7XQ,
United Kingdom

E-mail ahead so I can let you know what your swap will get you,
otherwise I will send what I think is a fair trade.

peel_richard@hotmail.com

Now after the gift of Intense Sticker Warriors, which is still being enjoyed on a regular basis today it would have been rude not to send him a nice letter, and all the bits and bobs he desired.

So i did, I gathered what I could and made Richard Peel the best damn package he'd ever receive, unless that cup from Last Crusade came through the post.

PS I stress, go to www.richardpeel.com look at everything and then buy a comic or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. They really are that good.

and now it won't let me put up the letter, so i guess now is a good time to stop with the posts for a while

In short

2006-02-26T19:17:00.000Z

I bought a copy of your missus is a nutter by Goldie Lookin Chain...

and sent it to the Duke of Edinburgh

I have a problem with chinese people...

2006-02-26T19:13:00.000Z

But only a few of them, so don't start calling me a racist.

When we moved into our beautiful house, it would appear it was left in a hasty state because the chinese people who lived here before us chalked up debts somewhere near that of the third world.

So after a few months of being told Mr Wong lived in my room, and after i'd searched high and low in my room, it was time to set Tiscali straight.

(Incidently they haven't sent another letter since.)

In all the excitement.

2006-02-26T19:11:00.000Z

I forgot to tell you that I wrote a letter to Charles Kennedy, because Tony Blair never replied.

My political stance in turmoil, this is a cry for help... and then he leaves doesn't he!

Thank god there isn't an election for a while.

A Letter to Kent County Council...

2006-02-26T19:08:00.000Z

because where is the shire.... Kent has to be the worst of all the county sounds, it doesn't rhyme, you can't put it into songs, and everyone thinks its funny to call it C**T.

One for the students...

2006-02-26T19:02:00.000Z

Think about how much damage you are doing to your body drinking everyday. I don't mean just drinking in general.

During my time at university, I drank some hideous shit, and did some very silly things, none of which I really regret, but alas I do think about what damage I have done to my internal organs.

I think I may have taken a year or two off my life, which isn't really George Best esque, but thats a whole year I won't be able to play Football Manager 2069 on the new super duper PC.

I'm dying in 2069 by the way, natural causes. You've ruined your body, or your in the process of doing it now. HOW MUCH warning do you get? Drink in moderation. But surely if you set yourself a target of a bottle of vodka a day, then that is your moderation, and you'll end up looking like grotbags by the time your 27.

Its time to get crazy warnings on beer too, lets educate the chavs, so they know when there going to die, and then we can take X amount of joy in it.

This is my letter to Coors Brewers, demanding compensation

Lilets, the best a woman should get...

2006-02-26T18:57:00.000Z

Lilets are nice aren't they, especially if you're a man, because you never really have to worry about them.

If there not needed, then your life carries on as usual, if you see a new active pack about (and your a taken man) you know its time to fire up the PS2 and stick it out for however long is needed.

Incidently if you're a single man you don't have to worry about them at all, unless you've pulled and you find out there is something in your way...

anyway... I made it my mission to think about lilets, and I came up with some pretty sweet ideas for how to improve the product. It was easy really.

Midland Mainline Reply...

2006-02-26T18:55:00.000Z

Its quite possibly the nicest letter reply i've ever had to anything ever, but alas there was no prize involved, so your probably not that interested!

Walkers miss the best oppotunity of their lives...

2006-01-25T21:35:00.000Z

Because I sent them a letter telling them to make smaller crisps for midgets and circus freaks...

and then a week after that Pringles bring out the mini packs like they've been reading my mail via the gift of google earth... weird

The Flyering Bitches.

2006-01-25T21:25:00.000Z

You may remember from www.photosofonelosthousemate.blogspot.com about my big thing with the flyering bitches of revolution....

Well heres the letter they got later that day...

Sean Martin Gregory, looking mischievious with a Moustache.

2006-01-25T21:16:00.000Z

Sean Martin Gregory was a man, a man with a task, a man who sold a photo of himself on ebay...

Sean Martin Gregory, was and maybe still is the man who is looking mischievious with a moustache.

Now I would say that photos of random people on ebay wouldn't really interest me (alas see the latter photos of Andy Magee.) But this one did interest me, because when I saw the description he had left an address...

My mind was made up already, I was writting a letter to Sean... and I'd send him a photo.

Mr Bowley... at least you tried.

2006-01-15T21:00:00.000Z

and then fobbed us off to some other bloke, who is probably so old he won't be able to read it anyway.

However, there is now a new prize HURRAH.

So now we have an Edinburgh crystal cut whiskey glass, 5 air fresheners and a government guide to advertisements, which has been highlighted by me, to see if there was any way of getting the sign..

YES!

The best ride by far...

2006-01-10T18:56:00.000Z

Is midland mainline of course... Who else would I write to with a headline like that.

Theres a magical place...

2006-01-10T18:52:00.000Z

we're on our way there, its called CHRISTMAS ISLAND... which is infinitely better then Toys R us

***Spoiler Alert***

I do actually get a letter back from these people so don't forget this post.

When theres something bad, and it don't look good... who are you gonna call?

2006-01-10T18:47:00.000Z

Dear Deirdre of course, because she can solve any problem personally as long as you send her an SAE. Genius

Everyone dreams of being an astronaut...

2006-01-05T18:32:00.000Z

don't they?

It wasn't all in my head.

2006-01-04T16:11:00.000Z

It wasn't all in my head. For a brief moment, the residents of Dulverton Road were almost semi famous for five and a half lines down the side of the Leicester Mercury. Unfortunately we never made it that far. We had so many entrants, we were 100% nice but somehow the damn paper decided not to print anything about us. Leicester Mercury less than 100% nice.

Anyway the chap who came round for the big showbiz interview (and got a man sat around in his pants) was very nice, and I decided to let the Leicester Mercury know this, after all, I am not a man to hold a grudge, unless they give me a very very good reason....

Some Funky Ideas for Colgate.

2006-01-04T16:07:00.000Z

Had some choice ideas for Colgate. Make it more interesting, so people want to brush there teeth more so everyone stays healthy. Sounds easy really doesn't it? Surely you can't get ill from cleaning your teeth alot, there'll be no thing as too much so I won't even use those words.

The prize fund bolstered, and boy does it smell good...

2005-12-21T12:24:00.000Z

After David Franklin AKA Pongo air fresheners sent me five air fresheners, to keep me quiet and smelling particularly good.

Al Bowley... I reply to thee.

2005-12-21T12:20:00.000Z

It was a long thought out process of about half an hour which led to the Al Bowley reply, and here it is!

Onelosthousemate launches Project 1000

2005-12-10T12:16:00.000Z

Project 1000 has been launched.

All you have to do is be the 1000th person to visit this blog, get evidence that you are indeed the 1000th person (via photo or the print screen button is best) and send it to me.

You will be given a free onelosthousemate artwork. Lets not forget these bad boys both sold at The City Gallery and won prizes so this is no rubbish prize.

So, be 1000, get evidence, win prize. Simple. Unless some random Turkmenistani looks on it and claims the prize.

All my love

onelosthousemate

www.photosofonelosthousemate.blogspot.com

www.lettersofonelosthousemate.blogspot.com

Reply from a most unlikely candidate.

2005-12-09T14:33:00.000Z

So when I send off however many letters I do every week, i don't really expect to get a reply from alot of them.

Probably so far the one I expected least would have been from the council in reply to my putting up of a sign saying Dulverton Road : 100% nice. Alas they did get back to me, and they had some very interesting news...

The project for the sign was well and truly up and running.

A most neighbourly idea...

2005-12-09T14:03:00.000Z

Would be to stage a neighbour of the week competition. So we put the idea about to around 30 of the best houses on Dulverton Road. To this date, no one has replied to us.

Chas And Dave.

2005-12-09T13:52:00.000Z

Chas and Dave are by far the best people in the world ever. I love them. So when the oppotunity came up to see them in Margate we had to go, even if it was on a sunday and I was working all day.

We had a great time, as proven by mickkkkkky's massive grin having his photo with Dave. But the food was awful. If I had the photo on me i'd post it of my awful food, but it is on my broken PC so maybe later.

Anyway, I know my letters are getting a bit more like complaints recently, but Nick Taylor, head of food was about to find a letter on his desk.

Margate FC - A Place for heroes.

2005-12-05T13:53:00.000Z

The whole explanation for this letter is a bit hard to explain, so simply here it is.

Ribena want to know more about YOU!

2005-12-05T13:46:00.000Z

Ribena want to know more about you.

about what you do, how you drink it, when you started drinking it. ETC ETC

It says so on the side of the bottle. So pay more attention, get a pen out, and tell them all your lovely facts.

Bank of China - Kings of the spam

2005-12-04T19:16:00.000Z

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM - gets on my tits too looking at my emails, its like a constant reminder that actually you have no friends and your alone in the internet world.

Still everyday I get emails from the bank of China, saying if I tell them my underpants size, they will give me lots of money...

Well they will never get my size, and only receive a nasty letter.

Park Services Area 5 = Rubbish

2005-12-04T19:09:00.000Z

Have you ever been to Bede Park, quite possibly the worst excuse for greenland since greenland...

well its awful, but not according to park services area 5, they think its a haven of fun and art for all the family, naturally, I had to write to them.

Review of a first recommendation.

2005-11-25T09:37:00.000Z

Just finished reading Robin Cooper's "The tinctured letters"

All in all not a very good purchase, it is funny in places but there are a bits which really gripe me, the major one being that in every letter he makes something up so he is almost guaranteed a reply. Normally like "I have a great idea... Do you want to hear it." I'm sure if I shouted aloud in a pub that I've got a great way to make money legally, I'd have near on everyone's attention, and it is in this way he gets most of his replies.

Also his book is covered with quotes from famous 'funny people' such as Ricky Gervais (not funny) and those chaps from Little Britain (of which I only have respect for Matt Lucas, because he was George Dawes, the man with the scores). Now it might be all these quotes are because they like the book, or it might... MIGHT be because Robin Cooper is a producer (so I'm told) and has probably worked with these people. Or more accurately they have worked for him.

The other thing is the time it took to write the book. It began in 1999 and finished in 2004 and is a fairly small book. Not only do I not like the idea that this is not really a committed book, maybe just a few jots every so often, but its not really timewasting letters if you only send out letters every so often.

Anyway, this is not to say that I think I'm better than him and I've gone all up myself, its just my opinion on one mans work. I've got the sequel as well to make sure I think I'm right.

But having Ian D, a man I'm sure I've never met saying "Recommended viewing, john kirbys onelosthousemate blog, entertaining and enlightening. Thanks John" is surely a good advertisement for me!!!

onwards now to Henry Root's book if I can find it... Recommended by Radio maestro numero uno JJ - MFC

and the beat goes on...

2005-11-23T17:17:00.000Z

So yes here I am again telling everyone everything will be running again soon and smoothly.

"People... everything will be running again soon and smoothly"

Now having processor problems, but let it be known, after this there will be no more PC problems

In the meantime put on your art detectives hats and try and see what else i've been up to recently.

Ta ta. Onelosthousemate

Good News....

2005-11-14T11:21:00.000Z

This blog should be fully operational... like the Death Star by this Sunday coming

Unfortunately I have lost a few things... designs and photos.

If you have any onelostphoto to show or add send to me at onelosthousemate@hotmail.co.uk and it will be shown on the first blogback with aforementioned credits as people who love me

Enjoy the week

onelosthousemate

long time no blog.... (sorry)

2005-11-04T21:16:00.000Z

Hello there, long time no blog and i must apologise.

After telling the world of all the lovely people who were viewers of the website my graphics card exploded into a million fragments and as of now am using the onelostbackuplaptop, christ that sounds like a inspector gadget tool.

anyhow, until my PC heals blog updates will be at a minimum as i am seriously lacking in the resources department.

To keep you all happy, why not start at the beginning and read it all again so far, or why not go out right now and get your entrant in, and become entrant 6... yes 6

also rejoice in the knowledge that I am now getting lots of cool stuff through the post.

Or rejoice further that any of you with a sticker, now own an official artwork, as I had two onelosthousemate artworks accepted to the open exhibition in leicester and can view them as of next next saturday.

Thank you all so far for your time, effort and so on, I promise as soon as all is sorted, onelosthousemate will be back and more concentrated.

until then, i'm making shot glasses, desk tidys and t-shirts... email me if you're interested in all of it or bits of it.

Keep photos, feel obliged to send me anything, must keep it all going

I LOVE YOU ALL

onelostcompuerlesshousemate

Onelosthousemate would like to say hello to...

2005-10-28T10:10:00.000+01:00

Viewers and readers from around the world, confirmed from the following places...

Marrakech (my favourite of the entire lot!)
Seattle
San Antonio
Providence, Rhode Island
Danderyd, Stockholm
Kuwait, Al Kuwayt
New Delhi
Phoenix, Arizona
Kuala Lumpur
Bergen, Hordaland (Norway)
Duxbury Massachusetts
Cincinnati Ohio

I love you all, as well as the people from Maidstone, Scotland, DeMontfort University, EVERYONE... HAVE A VERY NICE DAY!

onelosthousemate

Letters for photos, an equation not to forget.

2005-10-27T17:30:00.000+01:00

Just a quick reminder to everyone that this page is related to my photos page at http://www.photosofonelosthousemate.blogspot.com/

Anyone wishing to write anything about the sites, good or bad is more than welcome, but please point me in the direction of where I can find it! Who knows, if your nice, i'll probably put a bit about you here too, or write you a letter.

Please keep sending photo entrants, leaving comments and all sorts, anything for me to do.

have a nice day

John.

By the way, here is a page that was made about the quest on thanetlife.com

bloody nice bloke, i've also included comments as well, most of them, unfortunately not very nice, i'm glad they don't have sites to promote because it would probably be on 'being horrible', 'my dull life' or 'boat numbers'

Zummo, the people who lie.

2005-10-27T17:22:00.000+01:00

When we all went down on our merry way to Margate so see the beauty of Chas and Dave in performance (with Mick on drums) we stopped off in Newport Pagnell.

Lovely place for onelosthousemate photos, not so good for demonstrations of zummo juicing machines, and when i was rejected a demonstration, well, thats where the letter came in.

Also in this letter post, i'd like to show you just how elaborate a machine you can create just to juice a bloody orange, its ridiculous. I really hope something bad happens to Newport Pagnell which entails no human hurt feelings, because they were all lovely and old, apart from the rejection, which still cuts me deep.

Sporting the zummo machine and a lovely Tostao Kwashi Margate FC football shirt is my good friend and fellow suferer, Shaun.

A Clor music video update.

2005-10-24T17:31:00.000+01:00

A Clor music video update.

David Franklin - Smells nice, shit logo

2005-10-24T17:21:00.000+01:00

Days previous I had taken a trip to Asda and for no particular reason bought a air freshner, made by the lovely people of Pongo aka David Franklin. well a few days later, he was in the presence of a letter from John Kirby.

A Brief look into the world of the reply...

2005-10-24T17:16:00.000+01:00

Here it is folks, the first ever reply.

God bless Tunnock's caramel chocolate bars.

A break from Nice or Nasty...

2005-10-19T19:04:00.000+01:00

A break was decided upon when i purchased a Mr Men book and realised that their was an address in the book that you could subscribe to.

Well i've always had a few ideas of what to tell the Mr Men world where they should be taking their characters, and this would be my perfect oppotunity.

Please enjoy my following ideas for Mr Men...ness.

A Successful End To The Week

2005-10-17T06:41:00.000+01:00

What a week it had been. I had got my first reply via the gift of Tunnocks excellent Caramel bars. http://www.tunnock.co.uk/ I had a close shave with the men at the Leicester Mercury, (they don't deserve a link, after all, it was only a close shave) we had 29 houses reply to our nice or nasty poll and to top it all off everyone said they were nice and I could now instigate the next part of the nice or nasty poll, that being a letter to the council asking for the erection of a sign telling everyone that we at Dulverton Road were 100% nice.

What a nice idea

So anyway, there are some wonderful photos of the week that was and now i will share with you as well my lovely letter to development control of Leicester. Please appreciate the time money and effort going into the drawing of what the sign will look like.

Warning, the content of this letter may shock you.

2005-10-17T06:32:00.000+01:00

So, taking a break from all the fun of the fair in the nice or nasty poll, my first package back and almost being in the Leicester Mercury, I decided to go to McDonalds, which was a big mistake.

A mistake for a few reasons, one importantly being that I always say never again, because it tastes so bad, and then i'm in there again next week. The other being that they deserve a nasty letter for being so foul and disgusting.

I decided to pick on the fact that I can never get any decent service, their motto is rubbish, and they class Strawberry milkshakes as unsuitable for vegetarians. YES just strawberry, nothing else.

Well er....

2005-10-13T07:59:00.000+01:00

The dirty blogsters won't let me publish photos of me opening my lovely package from Tunnocks.

So you can't see the delight on my face, or how wonderfully crafted this 21st century crystal piece is.

Still the show must go on and I must carry on showing the world all my lovely letters that I have written.

Well co-written, if you consider the fact that nice or nasty was a joint venture, and i'm always listening when it comes to ideas and suggestions, with that in mind don't be shy to email me with an address you think I should be writing to.

onelosthousemate@hotmail.co.uk

here is the other letter that we sent out for our poll...

A mystery package, A knock at the door, and another photocopython

2005-10-07T20:08:00.000+01:00

Wednesday came around of the Nice or Nasty poll, and all was going well.

We had a number of entrants by that time, people seemed to be having fun with the whole poll idea and it was making us smile as well.

Well that morning I didn't have to be at work til 12 and I was up early when the postman knocked very early.

There was a very strange looking package for me.

it was almost a perfect square....

and i opened it up....

and it was from Tunnocks....

a lovely letter as well, confirming what the packaging meant, but whats this.... after the blurb of thanks for your interest in the product. Holy s**t. They had only sent me a Tunnocks engraved edinburgh crystal cut whisky glass (and thats quite a mouthful)

I couldn't quite believe that not only had someone read my letter but someone had taken the time to reply and send me something pretty damn awesome.

To be honest I was very very very happy. I text just about everyone, including
people who thought no one would reply in a million years. But then I had a call
downstairs from my housemate Paddy.

"there is someone at the door for you from the Leicester Mercury"

For those of you who don't know, the leicester mercury is leicestershires daily newspaper. Apparently one of the editors lives on my road and was very interested in the nice or nasty poll. So I made my new found friend Gary a cup of tea and told him all the stuff i had been up to recently. He didnt seem to impressed and was convinced i was a no good student. He left saying if he had room it would go in, but i knew really i hadnt sold it to him that well at all.

But Nice and Nasty wasn't about media coverage and being famous for 5 minutes. Or was it? I sent Mike all the info, and within 4 hours we had our next flyer to send out urging people to get in contact with us.

and i was late for work.

FOR SOME REASON AT THE MO IT WON'T LET ME ADD PHOTOS, BE PATIENT

Nice or Nasty ???

2005-10-05T08:36:00.000+01:00

Now whilst all this was going on, i.e the letters and photos of onelosthousemate, we were starting to have alot of fun around our good road of the Dulverton variety. This started off with decorating our bin with an old Masters of the Universe figure, which went on to putting tiny toy soldiers on there, which moved to chalk outlines, which moved to making a parking space, which moved to making a small fictional farm.

Now during one savage day before the weekend some little bastard had ruined our bin, and we became highly suspicious of the dirty gypo's living two doors down, who wouldn't? They're gypo's, they probably wanted our bin as a tidy new house.

To sort this matter out we put up a bin sign outside our house telling people of the bad news and how we were asking everyone on monday to retrace their steps so we could find the gits who did it.

Unfortunately no-one owned up to the crime, so we had to think of another way of sussing out who was a good guy and who was a bad guy.

It was then that we came up with quite possibly the best idea in the world.

We would write out a letter to everyone in the street and ask them if they were nice or nasty.

Essentially we were holding the first ever Dulverton Road nice or nasty poll.

We photocopied the letter, put them in nice envelopes and at around quarter to midnight posted all our letters down the street. We were confident that we had so many nice people on the road we couldn't help but not find the dirty bastards who did this to us.

The work of a guerilla / gorilla ?

2005-10-04T17:41:00.000+01:00

So who would have thought that my writing ways would rub off first on Alan? Step forward you have just won yourself a weekend in beautiful skegness.

So he wants to write a letter does he? Well i'll have you know I INVENTED LETTER WRITING!!!

And you don't even want to send it, you want to hide it away at the end of the day in the middle of all the quiz sheets for it never to be seen again.

You want that letter to not forfill its destiny.... well i am a cunning man, a man of many disguises. A man who can pull paper out of a bin. I am like a subtle elephant. Because elephants never forget and I knew.

I would send Alans letter off to o2 with him complaining. I would add it to my letters because I was sending it.

All i had to do was find o2's address, and decifer what Alan was saying.

See for yourselves.

The Future is Bright(er) the Future rhymes with Orange.

2005-10-04T17:32:00.000+01:00

Feeling proud with myself that I was on my way to a record deal, as well as being in my first music video I now felt that there was some serious money to be made.

I was to use my lyricism as a mode of making money, and who better to exploit then a company who apparently have no single word that rhymes with them. What a challenge.

Well the fictional story goes that I spent weeks in the studio with some of my a-list friends, working on words that rhymed with Orange (as in the phone company). After those weeks, i emerged with some of the best work of my life knowing that as soon as orange read my letter, they would be sold and I would be rolling in it.

The true story is that I wrote it in a pub on a sunday with a hangover still hanging around from the night before. I had about a 3 minute convo with words that might rhyme and then decided to write my letter anyway. Knowing that there would be no hope in hell that Orange would ever get back in contact with me ever, ever..... ever.

So you've just starred in your first music video...

2005-10-03T22:33:00.000+01:00

what do you do?

wait for the royalties to roll in, the celeb parties and Jodie Marsh claiming you're shit in bed in the people on a sunday?

NO you write to EMI asking them for a record deal. It must be a pretty easy decision to make for them as well. I've just starred in my first video, I wrote parody songs for demon fm and performed them too. I won a dancing competition in year six.

In short I was on the up. I was a rising star, in heat magazine I would be top of the hot-o-meter.

I really needed to sell this idea to EMI, so I put on my serious hat, thought about it seriously and then began

To the lovely people at EMI, (I was onto a winner)

Some have letterness thrust upon them...

2005-10-03T21:05:00.000+01:00

So....

I'm trawling the internet as usual and I am looking as I always do at the Clor site, on a daily basis, when its there in big writing.

No... there it really is in big writing, Clor want people to send them a photo of themselves for their next music video.

I John Kirby, of mediocre onelosthousemate coverage. The famous man who was once interviewed for BBC radio kent and Radio Mercury, was now being asked to be in a music video.

I had now hit the big time. I just couldn't not do it, especially as the day before I had done passport photos for myself to get a new passport. Well this was a much better cause.

So in went the photo, in went a nice accompaning letter, and another letter was off in the post, knowing full well that I was going to be in a video. What a prize that would make for the photo's!

So here is my short and sweet letter to Clor, if only i could have put the photo of me in the photocopier the right way, sometimes i can be such a nonce.

Oi Oi Oi....

2005-09-29T22:28:00.000+01:00

There are some people out there reading this who know me really well, hello. There are people who I have met for the first time today. If you are the revolution girls, I hope something bad happens to you, if you're Hugo, hello, you have a wicked name, embrace it with a name badge. There are of course people who don't know me at all.

For those of you who don't know me at all, there is a certain thing about me, well a certain person or group of people who i worship. He to me is the best, most important, most significant person in the history of all mankind, no i'm not being all up myself and talking about myself.

Have you guessed who it is yet?

Sodje, and he was next on my list of people who I simply had to write a letter to.

Now a few years ago, i would have gone into this head first. Asking a 'friend' to get the exact address, so that my letter would land on sodje's welcome mat. Well times have changed and the old John Kirby is much more suseptable to doing rash things than the Newer more shiney John Kirby.

So I wrote it to Brentford Football Club, knowing full well they knew who to send it onto.

A more mellow way of writing.

2005-09-28T20:19:00.000+01:00

So there I was, Tony Blair in his bermuda shorts in one hand, Tunnocks caramel bar in the other, happy as I possibly would be if I just found out my new neighbours just happened to be the Sodje's when it struck me... Tunnocks caramel bars.

I've eaten these things all my life, way back to when my nan used to give me one when I went round to see her. They are possibly the nicest chocolate bar in the world, and I think it was about time that I paid them a little visit via the gift of the old pen and paper variety.

But what could I write to them about? I could tell them that my nan has probably kept their factories open the last twenty years, I could tell them how much I loved them, or I could tell them that their wrapper had always confused me.

It confused me because it had 4,000,000 made and sold on it since i bought it, the numbers never changed. And I didn't know whether it meant 2 million made then sold equalling 4 million or 4 million made then sold. I decided that my letter should incorporate all of the above.

I back dated my letter by a day, not wanting to look like all I had done the last few days had been watch cricket and began my rather nice letter to the lovely people at tunnocks, they were going to love this.

A few days later....

2005-09-28T19:40:00.000+01:00

A few days later, I had successfully posted all my letters, knowing all to well, that Q, NME, FHM and Tony Blair would be opening my letters today! I was very excited. The idea that the nations leader would today be opening a letter from me John Kirby, and would help me with my future endeavours.

I took a caramel bar to work, and like most of us always do there, studied the newspapers before the first customers made their way for the first pint of pale of the day.

Imagine my joy when I discovered that Tony Blair, on thursday the 11th of august, would have the pleasure of reading my letter, on HOLIDAY!

I clearly felt I was making people happy, and I was happy, I was sure I had my first confirmed 'hit' and he was reading it in comfort.

It was now time to make more people happy. It was time for another letter....

Use your imagination....

2005-09-23T17:52:00.000+01:00

Just how many full address can you think of off the top of your head?

Do it now....

Me, my dad, a few old places i've lived in, my nan, and a few friends, but only 3 postcodes.

Ok so my memory might be rubbish, but i'm sure there are more like me, with a freakishly poor memory. So you want to write more letters, but you can't remember any such addresses which are any good....

So work upwards if you see what i mean, think of a place where you know the general area and if you put it on the address, everyone including postmen are bound to know where you mean.

Who did you think of (Leave a comment) ???

It was probably one of these people. The Queen, Tony Blair or George W Bush. All big famous houses you can't get mixed up with anywhere.

This is who i chose.

Sorry for the layout, I guess i'm still but a novice.

Three is a charm....

2005-09-22T19:50:00.000+01:00

I was now on a roll of letters. Not literally, I wasn't actually sitting on a rather large roll of letters which I had previously written. I had two in the bag and I wanted to write more. It was lunch now at the cricket I had spent the last hour and a half writing my letters, and I had FHM in the bag, and i was about to have FHM in the bag if you see what I mean.

Here is my third letter. After this I would be on my own, no magazines, no addresses secretly hidden anywhere, just me and my imagination. I hoped in a way that like the fruit who lives at number 12 my imagination would take me nowhere but back to bed, but it all went kind of wrong, but i'm sure you will read all about it as I tell the story of my letters!

I Just couldn't let it lie...

2005-09-22T17:02:00.000+01:00

So i'd written one letter, that should have been enough. I had it out of my system. But i still had paper in front of me, and my magazines. I just had to write another letter, just to satisfy the need. I'd mentioned NME in the last letter so why not just inform them of my anger as well. So I did, and within about ten minutes my second letter was born.

And to prove I don't sit on a throne of lies

2005-09-22T10:38:00.000+01:00

Here is the review of the El Presidente album a la Q Magazine. I can't prove how many times they played the video on their channel, you'll have to buy the video off them and see how worn it is for yourselves!

Again Click for a larger view of the drivel they come out with, oh and whilst i'm not posting why not check and see if the links work properly. Thanet Life is great, and you can even see a photo of my mate Mike with Dave from Chas & Dave.

The Inaugural First Letter....

2005-09-22T10:23:00.000+01:00

So one sunny afternoon when I should have been watching the beginning on the best Test cricket game of all time I decided to start writing my letters.

I was angered into writing my first letter to Q magazine. Not only was it and is it hideously overpriced for a load of toff’s eyes views on music but it completely takes up the market for music magazines. It also tries so desperately hard to keep up with the times, it sometimes can’t decide whether it loves a band, or hates them, but seems to wait for public opinion to take over and then just go with the flow.

One such band it did this to was one of my favourites El Presidente who I had seen live a few weeks earlier. They absolutely played them to death on Q music, before adding that they thought that they were awful. Now I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that if you had your own music video station you wouldn’t spend all day playing songs you didn’t like… unless you have an unhealthy obsession with someone! (like Britney!)

So here it is my first letter, completely uncensored in all its angry glory, and to show I’m not the kind of man to hold a grudge, why not visit their website at http://www.q4music.com/nav?page=q4music its completely free to hunt around, making buying their magazine useless!

The Inaugural First Post....

2005-09-21T23:18:00.000+01:00

Hello there,

You're probably here to start off with because you know me, so i'm glad i've just said hello to you and not some random stranger. If you are a random stranger trawling the internet, probably because your job is really boring hello to you too.

Around a month ago, during the first day of the second test against Austrailia to be exact, I started writing letters to people. This was mainly because Q magazine had insulted me greatly with their poor reviewing skills and I was bored.

So after Q I wanted to write more, and it has grown from there, and now after my 20th letter was written today, i've decided to blog them for all to see.

There are a few things that you should know about me before you read on. First of all, I AM NOT A STUDENT, I was a student at one time in my life. I DO NOT HAVE ALOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS, I don't own a T.V or a console of any kind. So when you're sitting doing that, or gardening, or any other hobby, i'm writing letters, its a hobby.

Also I have other projects that I do with my housemates. If the stories of them need telling, I will fill you in on everything.

This site is designed for viewing pleasure, so please don't insult it, just love it, care for it, and take part. I'd love to hear from you.

Most importantly have a nice day, whatever you are doing.

I LOVE YOU

John Kirby

P.S I like it when people reply to me